Shirefield was a hilly place and that was probably by order of The Shirefield Chief Executive. If it wasn’t hilly how on earth could the Shirefield Chief Executive Committee members peer down on all their minions???
In the ancient Shirefield Town Hall the Shirefield Chief Executive Committee meeting was in full swing when the doors burst open one November morning. This disturbed the pile of people’s pound notes used to keep the great fire alight in the, “Great Great and really Great Old Hall Meeting Room 4. (Executive Members only!!! ).”
“Sir, sir!!” Young Weeden’s voice echoed round the hall. Some members stirred from their slumber others didn’t. “I’ve got the survey report!” The survey had been conducted for whole of the City of Shirefield to ask the people how they could improve shopping in Shirefield city centre.
“Oh yes?” Lord Bumbubbling snorted into his drink. “And what is the reason?” He asked.
“Don’t you want me to read the whole document out? There are quite a few reasons really” Young Weeden enquired?
“No no, we’re doing far more important work just to be at the beck and call of our constituents, just pick one!” Spat Lord Bumbubbling.
“Pick one?”
“Yes!” Lord Bumbubbling shouted, “Got to look like we’re doing something!”
“Which one? There are hundreds!”
“Any one!” Lord Bumbubbling blasted. Young Weeden flicked through the pages. Reasons whizzed past his eye’s furiously and he caught glimpses of some very good reasons like, “Parking Costs” and, “Public Transport issues.” “STOP!” cried out Lord Bumbubbling and Young Weeden’s finger pressed firmly down onto page 1861.
“Not enough loos!” Weeden read aloud.
“Then more loos it is!” announced Lord Bumbubbling as he banged a really large gavel onto the table knocking over his drink and displacing large volumes of dust. “All agreed?” He exclaimed. A sort of jeer in agreement floated across the meeting room and everyone did, well the ones who were conscious did. Probably.
Three years, two months and two hours later, after many hundreds of meetings, compulsory purchase orders, protests, shouting, demonstrations, and many millions of the people’s pound notes spent on hiring architect friends of Lord Bumbling and “Local building services,” from Columbia, the “Ultra”, toilet block was ready to be unveiled in Shirefield City Centre.
“Thank you everyone for joining us,” Lord Bumbubbling was addressing the small crowd, ” In this proud moment for the City of Shirefield.”
“Get on with it!” Someone jeered in the crowd.
“Yes yes, and I herby officially and for your convenience, declare these conveniences open for the use of the ladies and gentlemen of Shirefield City.” Lord Bumbubbling proudly announced. He pulled a rope, and the curtains pulled back from the huge scaffolding to reveal a diminutive and very shiny 2 cubicle toilet block. The crowd sort of cheered and lightly jeered.
“Where’s the disabled ones then?” Someone from a wheelchair shouted.
“Or the Gender Fluid ones??” Someone else shouted.
“Or the Disabled Intersex ones??” A third person joined in with accompanying jeers of agreement from the gathered crowd.
“Er… yes yes,” Lord Bumbubbling addressed the crowd again, “This is just the completion of Phase 1. Phase 2 starts soon….” the smiling Lord Bumbubbling backed down off the stage and ran into the Town Hall, his face turning a slightly deeper shade of purple than normal. “WEEDEN!” He shouted and kept shouting it as he walked through the ancient corridors. Several minions ran out of his way until he thrust open the the doors of The Great Great and really Great Old Hall Meeting Room 4 which was his favourite. There he found several of his ministers playing blackjack. He then realised that the cards they were using were actually his constituents “Cold Winter Payment Application Forms”, and smirked slightly.
A further four years had passed. Planning councils, external contractors, Gender Advisory Departments were all set up as well as IT Services, Program Designers and Web Designers. The peoples money had funded the now gigantic Phase 2 of the Shirefield City Centre Public Convenient Conveniences.
Finally the great opening ceremony arrived. The scaffolding now removed revealing a gloss white shiny obelisk with external glass lifts, ramps and flashing white/blue led lights. The building had grown, a lot. The toilets now occupied a substantial plot where once there was a pleasant little park. It was now larger than the town hall itself.
“And it gives me great pleasure,” Lord Bumbubbling announced, “To finally open Phase 2 of the Shirefield City Centre Public Convenient Conveniences.” Lord Bumbubbling pulled a large rope and curtains opened to reveal a brightly flashing white box at the entrance of toilet block. “What the hell is that??” Lord Bumbubbling turned to Young Weeden asking as he half blubbered into the microphone and pointed at the entrance.
“And that sir is the, “Toilet Alignment System.” Young Weeden proudly announced. Big flashing blue lights invited people to step forward into the ominous looking entrance. It hummed, throbbed and Lord Bumbubbling thought he could feel the ground vibrating slightly.
“The what?” Lord Bumbubbling stepped down from his platform.
“Toilet Alignment System,” Young Weeden repeated. “It’s a genius system whereby the computer analyses the customer and all the permutations of age, chromosomes, income, weight and voting tendencies and automatically delivers them to the appropriate toilet. Well actually, “The”, toilet as there’s just the one”
“One?” Lord Bumbubbling raised his eyebrows looking up at the gigantic flashing building in front of him.
“Yes, there wasn’t enough room for any more what with the toilet computer systems, the free WiFi, lights, coffee shop and everything.” Giant furrows crossed Lord Bumbubbling.
“Seven years, huge disruption and millions of the people’s money gone…” Lord Bumbubbling mused.
“Yes Lord Bumbubbling?”
“Well done!” Lord Bumbubbling smiled, “Let’s go and test it then.” Lord Bumbubbling made his way to the front of the nervous people looking at the entrance and confidently stepped inside with the privileged air of someone who was always right. “Fifty quid??” Lord Bumbubbling read the sign.
“Just use your council ID card sir, you’re exempt from any charges.” Young Weeden called out.
“Good job,” Lord Bumbubbling smirked as he pressed his card into the slot and immediately perspex doors enclosed him. Loud buzzing noises started rising in pitch and graphs on screens whizzed passed his eyes. The noise built up to a throbbing crescendo and with an accompanying, “Pop!” Sound Lord Bumbubbling was ejected up and over the back of the glistening toilet building.
“That’s odd…” Young Weeden thought to himself and after pushing to the front he pressed his own card into the slot and once again the perspex doors slid shut. This time there was no noise but a little message that popped up on the screen. The doors opened and Young Weeden backed out. “Sir!” He shouted in Lord Bumbubbling’s general direction, while glancing at the Toilet alignment graph.
“Sir! It seems we’ve forgotten the Gents!”
Next. Shirefield City’s new Artificial Intelligence system, works out the resolution to all Shirefield’s problems.……Probably